Area 151

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

Not with everything, but after weeks of thinking I was nearing the point where “something’s gotta give,” something finally gave.

Choir is Tuesday nights. I haven’t been to rehearsal since some time in mid-January. Once the pre-Tut events started kicking into gear, I had an insane stretch of Tuesday evenings where I was at work till 8 PM at minimum—often much later. Then, once that was finally over, I got my recent case of bronchitis, which knocked me out for another couple weeks.

As of tonight, I still don’t have any voice for singing. But I do have enough health that I could go pick up my music and listen and learn it, and I didn’t have to work past 6 today. In other words: I was more than capable of attending rehearsal.

Except I didn’t.

When I left the office, I has every intention of going. I came home and quickly reheated some leftovers for dinner. I walked the dog. I sat down, looking at the clock and precisely calculated how many minutes I had before I needed to change into casual pants and head out the door again.

And then I sat. And I could not in any way shape or form manage to bring myself to get up and head out to rehearse.

I feel quite guilty about this. Also resigned to the inevitability. I have been feeling overtaxed and overtired. I’ve assuredly been more vulnerable to illness because of all that exhaustion and overwhelm.* In some small corner of my mind, I think it’s probably best to cut myself some slack and to deliberately build some empty time into my schedule.

Still, I feel incredibly guilty about crapping out on my commitment to the group.

And I hate hate hate running face-first into the brick wall of my limitations like this.

* I still blame the NyQuil, too.